Deathly Afraid Of SIDS

Im sure no one wants to ever loose their baby..No one should ever have to put their baby in a casket..they should not even be made that small.  Colton's first cousin Nathan died of SIDS. I was there when he was found and I did CPR on Nathan. By the time they found him he was in rig and smelling sour. I still worked on him while talking to the 911 operator. BF mother was talking in tounges while talking to the 911 operator so i took the phone and took over everything. I remember seeing nathan laying there, me beating on his chest, everyone crying, cleaning his mouth out, flipping him over, beating on his back ( beating i mean like you do when a child is choaking) Flipping back over and doing it again. I worked on him and worked on him until the ambulance came and they took over. Then had to go get nathans mother from work (who is also my best friend) and tell her to get home as soon as possible because the ambulance was there for nathan. I remember getting to the hospital, seeing him pale, blue lips, closed eyes, tubes down his throat, iv's in his hands. I remember it all. I remember the smiling happy baby i saw earlier on in the day...i remember feeding him waffles for breakfast and having him smile at me while I talked to him. I remember that day like it was yesterday.

(thats me crawling behind him up and down the hall)
May he always Rest In Peace..


I guess you can see why I am so afraid. I was close to Nathan, I baby sat him all the time, I was always over Andrews parent's home where Nathan was being watched so I spent hours playing with this baby, bonding with him just to end up saying goodbye to him.
I cant imagine not feeling my sons breath as hes sleeping on me, I cant imagine not feeling that little hand curled around my finger so tightly. I cant imagine not being able to see his smile, watch his eyes light up as I talk to him. I cant imagine not seeing him ever again. I spend hours watching him sleep, I smell the scent of his skin when I am out of the house without him. I get anxious to just get home just to make sure he is ok even though I know he is in the best hands he could ever be in.To all the ladies who have lost a baby. I am deeply sorry for your loss..even though I did not personally loose a son, I lost a loved one to SIDS  an amazing baby boy who I will never forget as long as I live. They Say " Gone but not Forgotten" Nathan will never be forgotten. Even though Nathans Mother and I are no longer on speaking terms..I will never ever ever Forget that Baby. He taught me the Most valuable lesson possible. To cherish every moment with My son, Good or bad, spit up or poop, screaming or laughing. Because in a second, not even that a instant everything will be taken away. Hold your little ones a little tighter ladies, I know I am<3
My Beautiful Son.