Deathly Afraid Of SIDS

Im sure no one wants to ever loose their baby..No one should ever have to put their baby in a casket..they should not even be made that small.  Colton's first cousin Nathan died of SIDS. I was there when he was found and I did CPR on Nathan. By the time they found him he was in rig and smelling sour. I still worked on him while talking to the 911 operator. BF mother was talking in tounges while talking to the 911 operator so i took the phone and took over everything. I remember seeing nathan laying there, me beating on his chest, everyone crying, cleaning his mouth out, flipping him over, beating on his back ( beating i mean like you do when a child is choaking) Flipping back over and doing it again. I worked on him and worked on him until the ambulance came and they took over. Then had to go get nathans mother from work (who is also my best friend) and tell her to get home as soon as possible because the ambulance was there for nathan. I remember getting to the hospital, seeing him pale, blue lips, closed eyes, tubes down his throat, iv's in his hands. I remember it all. I remember the smiling happy baby i saw earlier on in the day...i remember feeding him waffles for breakfast and having him smile at me while I talked to him. I remember that day like it was yesterday.

(thats me crawling behind him up and down the hall)
May he always Rest In Peace..


I guess you can see why I am so afraid. I was close to Nathan, I baby sat him all the time, I was always over Andrews parent's home where Nathan was being watched so I spent hours playing with this baby, bonding with him just to end up saying goodbye to him.
I cant imagine not feeling my sons breath as hes sleeping on me, I cant imagine not feeling that little hand curled around my finger so tightly. I cant imagine not being able to see his smile, watch his eyes light up as I talk to him. I cant imagine not seeing him ever again. I spend hours watching him sleep, I smell the scent of his skin when I am out of the house without him. I get anxious to just get home just to make sure he is ok even though I know he is in the best hands he could ever be in.To all the ladies who have lost a baby. I am deeply sorry for your loss..even though I did not personally loose a son, I lost a loved one to SIDS  an amazing baby boy who I will never forget as long as I live. They Say " Gone but not Forgotten" Nathan will never be forgotten. Even though Nathans Mother and I are no longer on speaking terms..I will never ever ever Forget that Baby. He taught me the Most valuable lesson possible. To cherish every moment with My son, Good or bad, spit up or poop, screaming or laughing. Because in a second, not even that a instant everything will be taken away. Hold your little ones a little tighter ladies, I know I am<3
My Beautiful Son.

My Little Man

He is now 3 months old. Yeah I should have started this blog sooner but its better late then never right? Colt has become the love of my life, The apple of my eye and will come before anyone. He has the most amazing smile, he even smiles with his eyes and even though he cant say it, I can see the " I love you mommy" twinkle in his eyes everytime he looks at me. His nickname is "Piggers". He was a big baby from birth so that is his nickname..I dont know how I came up with it, It just came to me and stuck. He LOVES to stand up and gets a look on his face like OH yeah!!! Im doing this. He has made his own schedule :) 9am we wake up, get dressed, drink our bottle, stand/play, eat breakfast which is usually baby food and cereal. 10:30 he becomes cranky and wants to play down so he sleeps on my chest while he takes his morning nap. 11:45 he is up, play eat stand repeat. He usually helps me with the dishes or clean the house( I pull him along in his walker) around 2:30-3 he wants to nap again and sleeps usually till 5:30pm. then its Mommom time. When my mother gets home from work she takes him and spends time with him. She feeds him dinner and gives him a bath which he loves!!!!

I am so lucky to have him in my life..even though I would have liked to waited a few years I love him with all my heart!

The Beginning of My Life as "Mommy"

How it all started...

I had been fighting with a heart condition since I had been around 8 years old. I had an extra circuit in my heart and it would cause my heart to beat rapidly out of my chest at around 206BPM (beats per Min). Finally after 11 years I decided to go ahead and have heart surgery to correct this problem. I went in on Feb 12th, 2010 to have my procedure done. Little did I know they were giving me a constant run of antibiotics through my IV because they had to run lines from my groin directly to my heart and did not want to risk infection getting to my heart. Well they did not disclose this to me and I conceived little one on Feb 19, 2010
Fast Forward-
March 5th, 2010 when I knew something wrong even though I was not even a day late yet. I just had the feeling that I was. So I got two tests, one showed up slowly and the next one was instantly there. I cried. Being 19, I wasn't ready for a baby and had wanted to wait till I was 25 years old before even having children.  I was also told I would never have children and that I should not even try..By 3 different doctors. I got my Miracle baby!!!
My Pregnancy-
My pregnancy was horrible...I was in constant pain, constant headaches. I just started a 72hr Bi weekly job as a Patient Care Technician at a wonderful hospital in our area and had to leave for modified bed rest at 18 weeks. I was pending miscarriage until 20 weeks, Had 2 severe hemorrhage's right next to my placenta, at 18 weeks I also started to have preterm labor and had to go on medicine to keep Colt inside of me. I went from weighing 104-151, I filled up with fluid, my back ached, my head throbbed, I was sick, I constantly had contractions and couldn't even "live it up " my last few months because I had 6 preterm labor incidents where I had to go into L&D, get shots and monitored for hours. Then 40 weeks came, It was finally over. I had a full term, healthy little boy in me, who now did not want to come out. He stayed till 40 weeks and 3 days.
My Induction/Labor-
I arrived at the hospital at 740am on monday so that we could get ready for the pitocin right away and get my labs sent out so I could get my epi and not have to wait. They told me I needed to have a reslease of surgery by my cardiologist. Well I did not know this so we ended up waiting till 1020 to start pitocin because they had to contact the office and get the realease ( I had heart surgery feb 12th 2010). Around 11:30 the contractions started to get stronger, I started to get pain in my back/hip.  I was still dialated to a 3 so i didnt want to get the epidural right away and not progress, well my doctors wife ( another OBGYN of the practice) came in and told me they wanted to stop the pitocin and start again on the 13th at 9 am..at this point im alread in pain and the baby was doing just fine. I said No. we are not stopping labor and that I wanted him out. Well she called for the epi. Let me tell you the guy who did my epi was a complete and total asshole. He came in a simply stated " You are not my top priority..I have other patients" I wanted to snap but I didnt. So i got my Epi, and when i went back to lay back down flat my water broke by itself. Lol my son said Nope...im out of here.. It was clear so the nurses knew colton was going to be just fine with going on. An hour after my epi I was feeling everything, I was crying in pain, hurting so bad. It was the worse pain iv ever felt in my life.  SO the guy came back and told me i wasnt pushing the button enough, and it turns out that he calculated wrong and didnt even hook my epi up right and it was dripping onto the floor instead of going into me. and It was in my muscle and not my spine. So he gave me a huge shot of the epi meds and i went numb for another hour then it was back, I was honestly bawling in pain with every contraction.  I ended up dialating to a 6 at 6:30, I got my epi redone at 7:40 by a guy who knew what the hell he was doing, I felt so much better. Well actually I didnt feel anyting from the hip bones and down. lol.  I could have kissed that guy lol. I fell asleep till around 9:30, The nurse checked me and said do you feel all that pressure? I said nope...i dont feel anything, well apparently my sons head was almost crowning out of me and I was a full 10.  I pushed for 10 mins and my little man was placed on my chest. I started crying, I couldnt imagine anything more beautiful. He was perfect, eveything i dreamed about. Big beautiful blue eyes, Dirty blonde hair, big ol fat face. He was born at 9:57pm on 11/15 weighing 7lbs 14oz, 20.75 inches long and his head was 14.5 inches around...>.< i cant believe i pushed that out. I have stitches, but Its battle scars of birth i guess.  Iv only had 5 hours of sleep in the last 3 days but honestly, I would not trade it for the world. :)